Once a Year The Young Ones
by D.A.R.E to Feel Good
Summary: Vyvyan is all depressed about never having a birthday in his life so the guys get together a birthday Vyv is sure to never forget! WARNING: Contains Randomness, Comedy, S.P.G, Swearing, Racism, Gestures Towards Relationshipsa.k.a References to Sex 8D YAY!
1. Sunday

**Sunday**

"Hay, ho," Rick smiled as he came down the stairs and around the corner to the kitchen extension "Another glorious Sunday!" He took a chair next to one of his fellow students, not really classified as a friend judging by the fact that Rick is always abusing him verbally, a hippie called Neil. "Nothing to do but sit around all day, relax and do absolutely nothing!" he leaned back comfortably, purposely shoving his breakfast, Lentils O Slop as he would have called it, across the table and threw the spoon along with it, all of which nearly flew onto Mike, another of Rick's "friends".

"Watch it, Rick, that could've gone all over me." He said, not looking up and staring at the "graphic" side of the paper.

Rick just pulled a face at him and continued to sigh happily.

"Well, that's all we ever do, Rick." Neil murmured referring to Rick's previous statement about the glory of Sunday.

Rick mumbled a curse under his breath and then spoke his reply loudly "You're such a bore, Neil! For Cliff's sake, stop being so Emo and be optimistic for once," he then decided to add "You stupid, bloody hippie!"

"You say the same insult to me every time and I'm not being Emo, I just don't see what's so great about another day of me being abused…" Neil sounded sulkily.

_Thud_

"I honestly don't know why I even bother saying good morning to you, Neil." Rick continued.

_Thud_

"But you never say good morning to me anyway! You just ignore me and expect me to do everything around this house."

_Thud_

"I cook, I clean, I look after the house, I seem to be the one who always pays out for the multiple operations your 96 year-old great grandma needs every month at precisely 5:30 in the morning, which is actually," Neil continued.

_Thud_

"The same time the morning special comes on at the strip club down the street next to the small corner shop that sells dogs and,"

"Shhh!" _Thud_ Rick waved his hands in front of Neil frantically for him to shut up but Neil continued despite Rick's pleading.

_Thud_

"I know that you never go in because you are a coward and run away before you even take a step inside, therefore swindling our money off and-" Rick suddenly grabbed his unwanted breakfast and slammed it into Neil's head causing him to collapse unconscious on the floor.

The mention of wasted money caught Mike's attention "Rick, what did Neil mean by "swindling our money off"?"

Rick searched for an excuse "Uh…" he looked around the room hopelessly.

_Thud_

"What is that thudding noise? It's giving me a headache!" He shouted quickly changing the subject.

"Oh, that's Vyvyan." Mike answered and pointed outside, forgetting his thought of Rick's money-wasting.

_Thud_

"Well, what is he doing?" Rick peered out of the window, which was so dirty it was almost impossible to see out of.

_Thud_

"Oh, this is stupid." He then made the wise choice to actually open the door and see what his rival was doing outside.

Vyvyan sat on the ground with a cricket bat in his hand. He swung it up and knocked himself in the head, _Thud_, but didn't even flinch. It was obvious he had been sitting there a while, he had bags under his eyes and two bottles of empty Vodka thrown behind him. He must've been up way before the others bothered to even think about waking up. He swung it up again. _Thud_

"Uh… Vyvyan," Rick began, laughing, trying to sound hearty but snorting in between, which received a quick disgusted glance from Vyv before he thudded his head again. _Thud_ "Wh-what are you doing?"

"None of your business." Was his spat out reply. Rick waited for an insult to follow but none came. _Thud_

He wandered closer and leant forward so he could see Vyvyan face to face but was in whacking range "Well… Me, Neil and Mike… Not Neil, actually, he's a heartless bastard-"

"What's your point?" Vyvyan yelled, becoming aggravated with Rick's pestering.

Rick jumped back startled but Vyv's sudden burst and continued quickly without pause "Me and the guys were just wondering why you've been out here since morning repeatedly beating your face in with a cricket bat and haven't even bothered to yell at Neil for some breakfast or insult anyone today."

Vyvyan halted his forehead's next collision with the bat and mumbled something quietly and bent his head low.

Rick edged closer "Uh... Yes, the ground looks very lovely today, doesn't it?" He spoke loudly, failing horribly at trying to encourage Vyvyan to do some violence other than merely beating himself with a bat.

"…" Vyvyan stood and stomped off inside, pushing past Rick causing him to fall over and land in a pile of mud. As he reached the back door, Neil was coming out and he shoved the hippie to the side and grabbed a chair from the kitchen and took it upstairs.

Neil turned from Vyvyan to Rick "Rick, why are you sitting in a mound of dirt and mud in the middle of the garden?"

Rick pulled a face at him "I'm trying to find evidence of your obvious relation to pigs, Neil."

"What, by rolling around in mud?"

"I'm not rolling around in mud, I just fell in you stupid prat!" Rick yelled. He managed to scrape off the muck and wiped what remained on Neil before dragging him inside. As they entered the house, they saw what was left of the chair Vyvyan took up come flying down the stairs, which was followed, by multiple strips of toilet paper and an empty 5lt can of fairy liquid, a hiccup sounded soon after.

Rick stumbled clumsily to the bottom of the stairs and peered up for a brief second before turning back to his fellow flat mates "What the hell is wrong with him today?"

Mike looked up from his paper, a serious and concerned look on his face. He gestured for both Neil and Rick to sit down and as they did so he leaned forward. The two listened eagerly "I don't know." Was all Mike said before he sat back and returned to his paper, leaving Rick and Neil still leaning forward.

Eventually, they relaxed. "So… What do you mean you don't know?" Neil asked "I thought you, like, knew everything that happened with everyone in this house."

Mike glanced at Neil "Look, Neil, I may appear godly, but the truth is, and this, guys, is shocking, I'm only human."

Neil frowned, trying to make sense of what Mike had just said.

Rick scratched his head "Hey! I know! Why don't we all pretend to be insane and then, when we're sent to the asylum, we act all normal and when we are sent back here, Vyvyan would've been on his own for a day, and you know what he's like without all of us, he would be so over the moon when we're back that he'd be happy and back to cracking my head against the wall in no time!" He smiled as he went over his "plan" again in his head but then slowly began to realize why Neil and Mike hadn't answered "Fine, what about you guys then, got any better plans that will flaw my magnificent thinking?" he barked and crossed his arms expectantly.

"Maybe he's just, like, really depressed, right? Because, you know, right, he's always, like, bored, yeah? Maybe that's why." Neil suggested while doing exaggerated gestures.

"Oh shut up, Neil!" Rick growled "It's a Sunday, what do you expect? All the bloody priests and vicars and… uh… eunuchs, are in church getting all the pathetic people to worship them and some "God" and they even give money to the church! I mean, what for? It's not like it hasn't got enough! Bloody Christians… Every single Sunday there is no sign of life around the world because all the Christians are busy worshipping the "Priestly Ones" who are just a bunch of drunken old farts."

"You should really learn the definition of eunuchs, Rick." Mike said as he made a grab for the cold breakfast he had ignored until now.

"So… You mean every day is a Sunday, minus the worshipping drunken old farts thing?" Neil asked after a long silence following Rick's long statement, alas, he only continued."

"Don't forget all those Nuns!" He continued.

"What about them?" Mike asked from over the top of his lentil bowl.

"The church is taking away all the birds, you see, and turning them into Nuns so strapping young lads like me never get a chance for some rumpy hump now and again-"

"Rick, you never had a chance, even before you were born! Not then, not now, not in the near future not in the far future not even when you finally snuff it and leave us all in peace will you ever have a chance with a bird, Never, never, never, never ever!" Vyvyan shouted as he plodded down the stairs heavily, twiddling his long, beloved dagger between the fingers of one hand while the other pulled out a chair from under Rick, sending him sprawling backwards onto the floor, and he fell lazily onto it.

Rick flailed about as he struggled to stand and he glared, wide-eyed, at the back of Vyvyan's head.

"And please don't do that Rick," Vyvyan added "It hurts my head."

Rick made a strangling motion around Vyvyan's neck but managed to control himself and sat down slowly, still burning into his enemies' skull.

Vyvyan kept a strong face and relaxed, titling his chair backwards and putting his feet onto the table and fiddled with the point of his dagger.

The four were silent for a few minutes, not exchanging glances or muttering. They didn't even flinch when a small black and tan Chihuahua waltzed in through the front door's doggy flap and decided to relieve itself on the table, right in front of the four students. It then shook, hopped down and trotted back outside with a piece of newspaper attached to it's back leg.

"Neil," Rick spoke finally "Clean it up." He kept his glare, however, on Vyvyan.

"Oh, yeah, right. Just because I'm the only one who knows what Dettol is, it's up to me to clean up dog pee…" Despite his reluctance, he trudged around the corner and came back with tissues and Dettol.

A few minutes passed before Vyvyan decided to inquire about the dog "If it's a boy dog, then why does it squat when it pees?"

"Well," Rick snapped back to a casual tone "It's obviously had it's nads chopped off."

The mention of this caused Vyvyan, Neil, and Mike to look down for a brief sec and sigh with relief. Rick only joined them too late.

Mike turned backwards to throw his bowl on the counter behind him "So, Vyvyan, is there a reason for you stirring so early from your pit, this morning?" he inquired.

Vyvyan looked at him, then Rick and then Neil who just sat down after mopping up the dog pee. He didn't reply and kept his head down low.

"Come on Vyvyan, we are like family, you can tell us anything!" Mike added.

"Yeah, c'mon, Vyv, what's up?" Neil encouraged.

"Well, as long as you don't tell us what you do in the bathroom, it's fine!" Rick's words may have been less motivating but were meaningful nonetheless.

The guys thought they saw the faintest hint of a smile appear on Vyvyan's face but he covered it by wiping his nose on his arm adding a disturbing noise "It doesn't matter." He mumbled.

Everyone moved closer and tried to kindly inquire about his behavior. Eventually, Vyvyan gave them their answer.

"If you really wanna, know…" he hesitated "Wouldn't you be slightly miffed if people ignored your birthday since you were born?"

Rick gasped, Mike frowned and Neil sighed "No, I wouldn't be miffed because you all know when it's my birthday and you ignore me completely anyways so that day isn't really all that different, right. I mean I tried shouting surprise while holding a cake but that never worked so I guess I just have to never age because you can't really age unless you have birthdays-" He was cut off as he was knocked unconscious by Vyvyan flicking his dagger at a specific pressure point on his forehead.

"I hate it when he does that." Rick muttered as he sneered at Neil's limp body on the floor.

"Yeah, bloody hippies." Vyvyan added.

Yay! dances another Young Ones fic! Critisism is welcome but remember, im doing it all for fun ;p


	2. Planning The Day Out

**Planning the Day Out**

Vyvyan sat, licking a spoonful of banana and pizza ice cream and held a large tub full of it on his lap. He had put his legs up on Rick's back who stayed on all fours, much like a table while Mike and Neil sat on the sofa with Vyv.

"Why can't you use Neil as a table?" Rick mumbled, his elbows buckling.

Vyvyan swallowed a mouthful "Because he's all lumpy and your back has been worn down by the many other times I use you as a table."

Neil frowned at the mention of him being lumpy but ignored it otherwise. Rick shuffled uncomfortably and tried distributing his weight on one side but it only made things worse.

"So, Vyv, it's your birthday, that's why you're allowed the six-year-old ice cream and to use Rick as a foot-rest, what do you want to do today?" Mike asked lighting up one of his cigars.

"Yeah, this ice cream is great! I didn't know it had furry mint-choc-chip in it too." Vyvyan said through gulping spoonfuls of the old ice cream.

Mike, Neil and Rick Looked at each other, shook their heads and decided not to mention anything.

Vyvyan paused his shoveling and seemed thoughtful for a second "But it could use a little bit of household bleach." Despite it lacking his wanted ingredient, he ate happily on.

"So, like I said, it's your birthday, what do you want to do?" Mike repeated a little more aggravated this time.

"I'd like to go out to the cinema and then go to the carnival and then fly to Germany and seize control of Europe and make deadly weapon factories all over so I can then take over America, Asia, Africa, not Australia, bloody aussies can keep it, and the rest of the world." Vyvyan announced.

"Oh, so the most boring git in the entire world, whose only exercise is going to the lavvy once a week, wants to seize control of the world. It sounds like a ruddy good idea!" Rick rolled his eyes and sighed. He received a hard kick from Vyvyan and was nearly knocked unconscious.

"Rick," Neil leaned towards him "If you are a table, then why are you speaking?"

Rick pulled a face and replied "Because I'm a magic table you spazzy!"

Neil cocked his head to the side for a minute but then widened his eyes and nodded understandingly as if Rick had made sense.

"Try thinking of more reasonable options. I like your ideas though, the cinema, carnival, what else is there you want to do?" Mike encouraged Vyvyan to think a little harder.

"How about a museum?" Rick suggested.

"No, to old." Vyvyan replied.

"An Opera."

"The fat ladies scare me."

"Down the pub?"

"Nope, I'm not allowed in till next month after that incident with the bird with the big tits, that pin you gave me and that dare you set me up on."

"Oh, yeah, but I can't believe it was actually true! They were infla-"

"Come on, we ain't got all day." Mike butted in, interrupting.

"Okay, don't rush me…" Rick snapped "What about the church?"

Vyvyan eyed Rick angrily "Rick, I hate religion, therefore I hate churches, therefore I hate priests, therefore I hate Nuns and therefore I hate God."

"Good point… How about the pet shop? I heard they got a new box of those beig long, huge fat yellow and white, red-eyed snakes in."

"A very good possibility, you remembering all this Neil?" Vyvyan asked.

"What? Oh, uh…" Neil searched for a piece of paper and a pen. He reached under the sofa and pulled out string, a pair of bunny ear muffs, a pencil with no led, a sign that said "Nuclear dump Site Stay Clear", a blueberry flavoured gel pen, and a piece of cardboard "Will this do?"

"Do what? Jump up and start doing the cancan up and down the wall with a dead weasel called Skippy-" Rick began.

"Yeah, it's the neighbours." Vyvyan gave a wink.

"And then do numerous acrobatics?" Rick finished.

Neil looked at him for a second "No, I mean will this do for writing what Vyvyan wants to do today on?"

"Yes, yes whatever!"

Vyvyan reached over and grabbed the gel pen as Neil began writing "Thanks Neil." He then started chewing on it. Neil frowned at him but then stretched behind his sofa cushion and pulled out a normal black ball-point pen instead."

"So, Cinema, Carnival, Pet Shop," Rick counted on his fingers, balancing his weight and that of Vyvyan's legs on one side "What else? Fishing?"

"Yeah, all right, fishing." Vyvyan agreed, biting half the pen off "And I'd like to go to a graveyard."

"Neil stopped writing and looked at him "Why's that, Vyv?"

"Oh, I want to visit S.P.G" Vyvyan sniffed a little "He passed away this morning so I took him down to the graveyard and made a personal headstone for him."

"Oh, heavy, Vyvyan…"

The guys sat quietly for a minute before Vyvyan flicked half a spoon of fuzzy green ice cream at Rick and it slithered down his shirt.

"How about going bowling too?" Mike suggested while Rick writhed on the floor trying to get the fuzzy mess out " One of my favourite pass times."

"Yeah, I've always wanted to do a bit of bowling!" Vyvyan sounded very enthusiastic, did a bowling motion, and yelled "FOUR!".

"Anything else?" Rick asked, wiping his hand across Vyvyan's jeans.

"Nah, that's enough for one birthday." Vyvyan nodded, ignoring the green stain that Rick had added to his already large patchwork of marks on his trousers, and finished nibbling on the blueberry pen.

"What time do you want to go?" Mike asked.

"How about now?" Vyvyan jumped up, crunching Rick's back and making him whimper in pain and start flailing about. That was until the ice cream tub fell on his head and the unbearable smell of rotten banana, fuzzy green mould, and six-year-old pizza, finally knocked him out.

"That's not possible Vyv." Mike said, walking over to Rick and pulling the tub off his head.

Vyvyan looked disappointed "… Why not, Michael?"

"We need to change."

Neil and Vyvyan (and Rick who woke up) looked down at themselves.

"Uh… I think we're all ready because, like, these are the only clothes we have." Neil inquired.

"Yeah, I guess Neil has a point. Well, let's go."

Passage of Time

Tempus Fugit

The four walked down the street, it was Sunday, no one was around, apart from the occasional gang of old ladies mobbing teenagers, nobody else was around.

"So, where to first?" Mike asked over his shoulder.

"Uh, the cinema. There's a film I've been wanting to see for a quite a while called 'Mr. Fuzzy Bunny and the Amazing Fiddle-Finding Adventure'. You know, something around our level of intelligence." Vyvyan replied pointing down the corner to where a sign stuck out with flashing lights saying "Cinema".

Rick sighed "Yes, on the intellectual level for three year olds…" he murmured, receiving a look from Vyvyan but nothing more.

Ooh… Vyvyan is going to have the guys do a lot for him birthday! plays scary music dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuun….


	3. The Cinema

**U77u**

The four misfits reached the cinema and the ticket booth.

"What film are you going to see?" asked a small cheerful girl of thirteen from within the booth. It had been reinforced with thick glass so Vyvyan wouldn't be able to get himself and the guys in for free.

"Oh, knickers." Rick shouted "How are we supposed to get into the cinema now?" he pointed to the girl in the booth "We can't get past her! Look at her! She'd beat us all into pulp!" he then waved a fist at the sky "I hope you're happy, God! Depriving us of our Bunny viewing pleasure!"

"Rick! Calm down!" Mike yelled "It's only a little girl."

"Oh, God, just look at her, she's going to kill us!" Rick continued. Vyvyan grabbed him by the shirt collar.

"Shut up. I can handle this." He spat in Rick's face and dropped him on the cold ground. He then turned to the girl in the booth "Right, now don't gimme any backchat you little bitch, are you going to let us in or am I going to have to shout really really loud?"

"Great, Thanks so very much, Vyvyan! Now my bottom has more chance of getting hemorrhoids!" Rick interrupted.

Vyvyan turned "Rick, we know you've already got worms, hemorrhoids are basically the same thing." He then stuck his fingers up at him and then continued threatening the girl.

"Oh, no," Neil murmured "If we stay out here any longer the mucus dripping from my nose is going to turn into icicles…" he moaned in dismay "And then if I stay out here even longer than that I'll freeze and I'll be frozen until they invent something to melt me out of freezing and keep me still alive. And that means if I am unfrozen in the future you'll all be dead and I'd have to get used to living in anti-gravitational conditions with flying cars and the huge threat of running out of oil and natural gas…" Neil continued to speak in the background while everyone else ignored him.

"I'm sorry mister, but I can't let you in without money. It's against the rules." The little girl said sympathetically.

Vyvyan laughed "And what'll happen if I just waltz inside? You'll throw your teddy bear at me?"

She frowned "No, actually, I'll get my daddy to come and make hurt on you."

"Oh yeah? I'm sure I can handle some old timer. C'mon, where is he? I'll take him on." Vyvyan boasted and cracked his knuckles.

The girl's eye lit up and she smiled "Okay! I always like watching daddy do his work." she ran through a little flap, big enough for a cat to fit through. Voices whispered inside.

"Vyvyan, you be careful what you're getting yourself into, got it?" Mike warned "Because I'm not prepared to offer any assistance financially or physically." He then quickly added "Especially financially!"

"No worries Michael, I can take anyone. It's Rick you should be worried about." Vyvyan smirked.

Rick's eyes widened "W-what?" he asked stupidly.

"Vyvyan's calling you a wimp." Mike said casually.

"Oh, is that right? Then he can just kiss my-"

"I'd rather not, Rick." Vyvyan paused and then smiled "I'd rather ingest myself through my bottom then come back alive as nothing but a brain and eat myself all over again."

Rick pulled a face but shook off what Vyv had said "Fine, then," he rolled up his coat sleeves "I'll show this girl's dad who's the tough guy around here." The cold air touched Rick's arms "AH! AH! AH! I've been frostbitten! I'll never look the same again! I will no longer be the sex symbol I always have been! Goodbye, Mike and you other two bastards, I'd rather die then have no fingers of toesies!" he flailed about running around.

Mike frowned "Toesies?"

Vyvyan shook his head and stuck his arm out so Rick collided with it painfully. He picked him up and stood him by the cinema door "Alright then, Rick, you beat the guy up then."

Rick looked confused for a second but then grinned "Yeah, I'll show him who's top dog of the…" he looked at the Cinema and it was called 'The Fluffly Wuffly Watchers' "… Of the Fluffly Wuffly Watchers Cinema! Yeah, I'm so cool and hard, no one can beat me."

"Excuse me, but I heard you were threatening my daughter." A mafia, gangster voice came from behind Rick. He turned around as the looming figure tapped on his shoulder and jumped backwards.

"Uh… Hello, you must be that darling little angel's father!" Rick snorted trying to sound polite "My name's Rick, what a pleasure to meet you, Mr.?"

"Fleschgreindeir." He answered.

"Ah, well, it was nice meeting you and you daughter Mr. Fleschgreindeir." Rick started moving backwards. However, the ex-mafia thug launched at him and started beating him up.

"What chances do you think he has?" Mike asked Vyvyan as they watched the fight and as Neil continued his blabbering in the background.

"Hmm… Bugger all." Vyv replied.

After a few entertaining minutes, Rick suddenly came flying past them, battered, bruised and in a great deal of pain. Mike and Vyvyan helped him up "Whoopsy-daisy." Vyvyan sneered "Did the little baby have an accident?"

Rick tried focusing "Did I win?" he stuttered with what teeth he had left.

"I'm afraid to say no, not quite." Mike answered.

The girl returned in the booth and her father went back inside the cinema "Thank you, daddy!" she called after him.

"Yeah, but I had him on the ropes, right?"

Mike didn't answer and instead walked over to the girl leaving Vyvyan holding Rick.

Neil stroked his hair "And my hair is going to become so bristle it's going to snap off and then I'll be bald which I wouldn't mind since seventy percent of all scientists say that bald men are more attractive to women-"

"You what?" Rick stood straight, knocking Vyvyan out of the way and onto the floor "Being bald makes you more attractive to women?"

"Glad you're feeling better…" Vyv murmured spitefully.

"What?" Neil asked, clearly lost.

Rick sighed "You just said something about being bald makes you more attractive to women."

"Oh, yeah, well, it's a fact, actually Rick. Everyone knows that." Neil frowned noticing the bruises all over Rick "What happened to you?"

"That's not important-"

"He was beaten up miserably and pathetically by a big ex-mafia thug called Mr.Fleschgreinder." Vyvyan answered for Rick.

"Guys, come on, let's go in." Mike called to them.

"What?" Neil asked "But we can't get in we have no more money!"

"What do you mean no more?" Rick snapped "We never had any to lost to begin with!"

"Well, how did you persuade the girl to let us in with no money then, Mike?" Neil repeated.

"Simple, I did a deal." He replied.

"What kind of deal, Mike?" Vyvyan asked looking at him suspiciously.

Mike sighed "I know it's your birthday Vyvyan but it was the only way to get in."

Vyvyan raised an eyebrow "Yeah… So what's the deal?"

"The deal is that this weekend you go out on a date with her." Mike said quickly and hastily walked into the cinema.

The girl smiled and waved at Vyv who rubbed his forehead, shook his head and dismissed the matter.

"Ahahahaha!" Rick laughed sticking his fingers in Vyvyan's face "Vyvyan's got a girlfriend!" he chanted childishly.

Mike popped his head out briefly "Oh, and Rick?"

Rick paused his dancing and turned to Mike "Yes, Michael."

"You too."

"What?" his mouth dropped open "No! I don't want to go out with some kid who hasn't even hit puberty yet!"

"And don't forget she has a father who's an ex-mafia thug." Neil added before following Mike in the cinema.

Vyvyan and Rick looked at each other "Bloody hell…" they both sighed before the, too, entered the cinema.


	4. Snack Time

**Snack Time**

"Here you go, guys, a pound each, go get whatever food you want." Mike said, handing the money to the three.

Vyvyan just snatched it and charged towards the snack bare, jumped over the counter and started tossing every kind of illegal sweet into a handbag he swiped from a lady nearby.

Rick smiled "Thank you, Mike." And ran over to Vyvyan, which then started a pushing and shoving game between them only Rick was sent flying across the room most of the time.

"How'd you get this money, Mike? I thought we didn't have any." Neil asked.

"You're always the one to ask questions, aren't you Neil?" That was the only reply Mike gave Neil before he wondered over to the second snack bar to investigate the girl at the counter. Neil frowned then shrugged and walked over to the two fighting among the sweets.

"I saw those fizzbombers first! They're mine!" Rick shouted launching into Vyvyan.

"Get off, girly!" He snapped back.

"Finders keepers!"

"Losers weepers!" Vyvyan sneered and kick Rick in the chest, and continued destroying the bar "You'd think they'd have alcohol here since it is a bar." He shouted angrily.

"You're not allowed alcohol in the cinema, stupid!"

"Who says?" Vyvyan walked up to Rick.

"The staff, who else?"

"You know any of the staff?"

"Well, yes I do actually, I have a mate called Fred and-"

Vyvyan gave Rick a hard headbutt "Give them that little message and tell them to piss off!"

Rick stumbled over to the bubblegum dispenser and broke the top open. He grabbed a handful and tossed them under Vyvyan's feet. However, he didn't slip or fall "Damn! It always works in Tom & Jerry!" Rick sighed.

"Hey, Rick," Neil called.

"Yes, Neil?" he replied.

"Can you hand me a packet of raisins, please?"

Rick snorted "What do I look like? A spotty teenager working at a cinema snack bar?"

Neil frowned "Well, yeah."

Rick glared at him "Neil,"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up." Rick then decided it would be a good time to pull out the taffy machine to stop Vyvyan from stealing all his favourite sweets. He grabbed hold of the tube and pried it off the wall. He then pointed it in Vyvyan's direction "Hey you redheaded bastard!"

Vyvyan turned and growled angrily at Rick "Bugger off!" he bit the top off a shaken Coca-Cola can and threw it. It exploded as it collided with Rick's head, buying himself time to raid the candyfloss machine.

The Coke washed all over the floor, covering Rick and Neil. Mike climbed onto the top of a vending machine to keep dry.

"Hey, watch it you guys!" He yelled.

The force of the can's explosion knocked Rick to the ground. Neil on the other hand just stood like a lemon "Oh, great. Now I have two percent chance of getting cancer, hey, thanks a lot, Vyvyan!" he moaned.

Vyvyan looked up for a brief second, he was in a mound of sweets and sent them flying everywhere as he raise dup "No problem Neil." He smiled and waved but then dived back into the sweets.

Rick stood, dizzy from the fizzyness of the Cokebomb and wobbled, He then looked up and glared insanely at Vyvyan "Candyfloss… Is… My favourite…"

Vyvyan turned and stuck his candy-covered fingers up at him and started munching all of the candyfloss. Suddenly, Rick grabbed the taffytube and set it to high velocity. However, he didn't realize he had the tube lug in and it started to expand "Oh shit." He murmured. He dropped the tube and started panicking "Ah! What am I going to do?"

The bolts around the machine started firing out. One bounced off Neil's head. He sighed and then fell unconscious. Taffy leaked from the edges. A rumbling erupted from within. Rick gulped and began running in Vyvyan's direction. All Vyv saw was a blur flash past. He turned back around, mouthful of candy and was met with a powerful blast of taffy.

Gradually the pressure died down and the blast narrowed down to a trickle. AS the taffy dripped from the wall, Mike walked towards it. Rick and Vyvyan opened their eyes. They were stuck to the wall.

"What just happened?" Rick asked, trying to free his arm. All Mike saw was a pair of eyes among sticky pink goo.

Vyvyan smiled "That was absolutely brilliant!" he tried pulling his back off the wall but he was also stuck there.

Neil joined Mike and stared in disbelief at the two hanging from the wall. He shrugged and wondered off to screen 3 which was the one on his ticket.

"Oh that's right, Neil, wonder off, enjoy yourself while me and Vyvyan are stuck to a wall by pink taffy with no means of getting down." Rick shouted after him.

"Yeah! And I'm upside down!" Vyvyan added.

"Are you?" Mike asked turning his head to one side,

"But I can see your eyes right next to me!" Rick added.

Vyvyan managed to lift his head for a brief moment "No, those are some eyes I painted on the tips of my boots to scare the moles away." His head snapped back against the wall.

"Uh… Moles?" Rick inquired.

Vyvyan then somehow, pulled himself off the wall and flipped forward onto the floor. He stood up strings of taffy stretched between him and the wall. He tried scraping it off but he only made it worse.

"Vyv, go clean yourself up." Mike pointed down to the toilets down a corridor.

"Okie-dokie, Mikey." Vyvyan did a half-hearted salute and headed down the hall. Every time he took a step, he had to pull really hard since he was so sticky.

"Wait! You can't leave me up here!" Rick pleaded "You know I don't have a head for heights!"

"Rick, you're only a few feet of the ground." Mike stated.

"Ah! I'm _that_ high? Oh no! I'm blacking out!" Rick cried but then he fell limp. The taffy started to sag and he slowly slipped down the wall.

"I'll meet you and Vyv at screen 3, okay?" Mike was already gone before Rick managed to come back to consciousness.

"No! Wait! Mike, I can't get up!" He tried calling after him and even though Mike heard him he decided to ignore the cries for help.

"Oh, bloody hell!" Rick sobbed "Fine, that's it. If you want something done you have to do it yourself." He used the clean side of the wall as support as he pulled up form the floor and slithered along to the bathroom.

Finally, when he reached the fork in the corridor and saw the girl's bathroom and the boy's, he was slammed into by a little tabby cat. However, it kept running and the long strings of taffy grew tighter and tighter until eventually… MEEEOOWW! The cat flew backwards and into Rick's stomach.

"Oh that's just typical," he yelled after a moment of silence. He stood arms crossed and angry "I try and go to the bathroom and a cat decides it once to stick to my stomach and started clawing me…" The cat wriggled about but seemed to actually mold into the pink goo until only one of it's paws waved about frantically and then that too disappeared.

Vyvyan came out of the bathroom in a hurry, no longer sticky. But in his haste he banged into Rick's back and you can only imagine what position they were stuck in.

"What the hell?" Vyvyan shouted as he tried prying himself away from Rick.

"Wha? Oh great!" Rick ranted "Thanks a lot Vyvyan! Now we're both stuck. I hope you're happy you bastard! People are gonna think we're a couple since you are stuck to my back in that peculiar way!"

"Rick, calm down, just go and grab that crowbar and hand it to me." Vyvyan said, sounding calm.

"Fine, I don't see how it will help though." He handed it to Vyv.

"Thanks, mate." He then shoved it between them and started to push and pull vigorously.

"OW! That hurts! Stop it, Vyvyan! Stop it!" Rick cried.

"Wait, I almost got it!"

"Try it form a different angle!"

"Alright then!"

"AHHH! Not there you stupid twat! That's going up my jacksie!"

"Sorry about that…hehe."

"Try higher up!"

"I am trying higher up!"

"No you are not!"

"Yes I am!"

"Bloody hell! You're so thick aren't you!"

"Look, I'll do the strenuous stuff, okay? Brace yourself this is going to hurt you a lot more than it will hurt me."

"What? No! Wait!"

"Get ready and, clench!"

_CRUNCH_

"AAAAAAAAHHH!"

"What are you up to?" Mike asked peeking around the corner "Is there something you're not telling me?"

The two froze and looked at each other. Rick sighed "That's it!" he flung himself forwards and Vyvyan went flying across the cinema lobby and skidded across the floor. He stood and came charging back.

"That hurt you bastard!" Vyvyan roared.

Suddenly, just before the two collided again, the tabby cat burst out from the taffy around Rick's chest, hissing and waving it's claws everywhere. It jumped down and galloped away. Rick wobbled, shocked by the force that the little kitty had put on his chest. A hole was left in the pink goo wrapped around him.

"AH! IT"S ALIENS ALL OVER AGAIN!" Vyvyan howled. He then grabbed a fire extinguisher and started beating the already dazed and confused Rick in the head with it.

_Clang_ "Take that you mutant scum!"_ Clang_ "How dare you invade my planet!" _Clang_ "Only I'm allowed to suck people's brains and do weird violent experiments!" _Clang Clang Clang_ "Take that!" _Clang_ "And that!" _Clang_ "And some of this!" _Clang_ "Go back to Mars to where you're mommy's waitin' for ya!" _Clang_ "Die"_ Clang_"You"_ Clang_ "BASTARD!" _Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang_

Vyvyan then dropped to the floor exhausted. He looked at the fire extinguisher and saw it had been dented so badly, it was twisted into the shape of Dani Minogue. He shook his head and threw it behind him. He stumbled and slowly pulled himself to his feet, still panting from exhaustion. Mike came to his side and looked down with him.

After a long moment of silence Vyvyan finally said something "I wonder if they have any molesters left." And hobbled off. Mike glanced back at the ground, shrugged, lit a cigar and walked away.


	5. Mr Fuzzy Bunny and the Amazing Fiddle

**Mr. Fuzzy Bunny and the Amazing Fiddle-Finding Adventure**

"Vyv, is Neil going to be long?" Mike asked Vyvyan. The two sat in pitch-blackness in front of the screen. Since it was Vyvyan's birthday, he wanted to be right at the front and on the end so when the speakers came on they would hurt his ears. Where the logic is in that, I do not know.

"Well, Rick was pretty banged up from that alien," he nudged Mike "It was great stroke of luck I saved him though, right Michael?"

"Yeah…"

"Anyways, I shouldn't think Neil would be too long, I mean the first Aid kit isn't that difficult to use."

"Hello guys." Neil came down the rows of chairs and sat next to Mike.

"Hi, Neil, where's Rick?" Mike asked.

"Oh he should be coming now." Neil looked up the rows and saw Rick limping down "There he is."

Rick sat next to Vyvyan wincing as he did so. He had plasters with little smilie-faces on them, which he himself had requested.

"Glad you're okay, Rick." Vyvyan said, battling with a packet of maltesers.

"Yeah, thanks… Mike, pass the licorice please, and not the black ones that nobody likes." Rick called over.

Mike turned to him "Why don't you ask Vyvyan? He's nearest to them."

Rick screwed his face up in protest and then sighed "Alright then, Vyvyan pass the licorice."

"No."

"What?"

"I said no."

"And why no?"

"Because I said no."

"Why not?"

"Because I said no!"

"Really, what's the reason for not handing my a licorice stick?"

"BECAUSE I SAID NO!"

"YOU CAN'T KEEP THAT EXCUSE UP! WHY WON'T YOU HAND ME THE BLOODY LICORICE SITCKS!

"Rick,"

"Yeah?"

Vyvyan then screamed in his face "BECAUSE I SAID NO AND WHEN I SAY NO I SAY NO FOR A REASON AND THE REASON I SAID NO IS BECAUSE I SAID NO!" he then added "Stupid!"

Rick glared wide-eyed at him "JUST PASS THEM!"

"Quiet down, guys! The movie is starting!" Neil bellowed.

"Yeah, Rick! Shut up!" Vyvyan added.

"You too, Vyvyan." Mike warned.

Rick and Vyvyan shuffled in their seats and slid down a little. They stayed quiet for a while until Rick started "You got us into trouble, Vyvyan." He whispered.

Vyvyan sighed "No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't!" They started getting louder.

"Yes you did!"

"No I DID NOT!"

"Yes YOU DID!"

"NO I DID NOT! I BLOODY WELL DID NOT!"

"YES YOU BLOODY WELL DID, YOU THICK HEADED BASTARD!"

"Guys! Settle down!" Mike shouted.

Vyvyan grunted and Rick cursed silently.

The light from the screen lit up the cinema room. And the titles "Mr. Fuzzy Bunny and the Amazing Fiddle-Finding Adventure" rolled on screen.

Mike started on the popcorn, Neil didn't eat anything because he was a hippie (apart from raisins), Vyvyan finally open the maltesers only they spewed everwhere and all over Rick as they burst open.

Rick scooped them up and heaved it in Vyvyan's face "That'll teach you for not being careful!"

Vyvyan scowled at him but then smirked as he held up a packet of Jawbreakers.

Rick's eyes narrowed "Those are my Jawbreakers! Give them back!" he dived for them but Vyvyan pushed him back.

"Tough!"

Rick grabbed for them again but this time he managed to get a hand on the bottom of the packet "Let go, Vyvyan! These are mine!" They both tugged it back and forth.

"Piss off!"

"Give me them!"

"No!"

Suddenly the pack burst and the sweets flew into the air and came back down hard and all four of them.

"Ow!"

"What the?"

"Vyvyan! Rick! Stop it now or so help me I will send you both outside for the rest of the film!" Mike yelled at them.

"Yeah, you better listen to him right because you'd never listen to me because you see me as a just a hippie and that means I have no power over you at all so you can always abuse verbally and physically and I can't do anything-" Neil started a long moaning statement but Rick shoved a tissue box in his mouth to shut him up.

"Shut up, Neil!" Rick shouted.

"Yeah! The world would be such a more less boring place if you weren't in it, Neil!" Vyvyan added with poor grammar. He paused and the turned to Rick "Rick, where did you get a box of tissues from?"

Rick searched for an answer "Uh… Well…" he looked around then whispered "I brought it in case it was like… You know… A sad film."

Vyvyan just stared at him "You really are a totally and utter girl, aren't you?" and then he went back to the film, shoveling sweets into his face.

Rick sat in silence for a few minutes not really concentrating on Mrs. Honeypot, the badger's concern on the missing fiddle and having to ask all her friends (most of them bunnies but who is surprised there?) to find Mr. Fuzzy Bunny so he can help.

"You could at least share, Vyvyan…" Rick sighed.

Vyvyan stopped munching "Yeah, you're right, sorry Rick, here's a quarter of a licorice stick, watch the slobber on the end there. Oh, and try not to eat the ants on it as well."

Rick looked at the moldy sweet that Vyvyan had obviously fond stuck to the bottom of his chair "Thanks…" he then let out a long exasperated growl "God! Why are you always such a bastard to me Vyvyan?"

"Hmm… Wait… I know this one… Uh…" he smiled "Because it's my birthday!"

"You're horrible to me every day!"

"I know."

"So why?"

"Because I hate you."

"Yes I hate you too but that doesn' mean we can't be civilized gentlemen now and again."

Vyvyan turned to him for a brief sec "Poof." And then got back to rummaging around the bottom of the seats for any goo that might interest him.

"Shh, guys! I can't here Ms. FluffleRump talking about the history of the friendly fiddle!" Neil groaned.

Rick sighed "I'm surrounded by idiots…"

Vyvyan looked over him and then smirked "Yeah! And you're one of them!"

"No, I don't mean it like that! I mean," Rick stood "I'm a young attractive cool guy. I'm smart, a talented individual, a down-to-earth type, a-"

"A virgin." Vyvyan added.

Rick nodded "A virgin… Hey wait! No I'm not!"

"Oi! You! Down n front!" A loud Scottish voice came from behind Rick and something heavy crashed into his head causing him to slump back in his chair.

Rick then sighed "Never will my huge and vast wise mind ever beable to use it's full intellect."

"Can we stop role-playing now? It's getting really boring." Vyvyan asked.

"Shh!" the Scotsman's voice came again.

"SHH YOURSELF!" Vyvyan shouted sticking his fingers up.

There was silence after that because everyone's attention was on the movie where Mr. Fuzzy Bunny had found the fiddle but was suddenly being eaten alive by cannibalistic rabbits who then went into kung fu fighting with cyberfoxes from the planet Uranus and then they had to blow up the death star and… Well… Yeah, you get the point.

Sorry stuff has been late ; lots of homework from school… It really sux --" and my dog has had his facelift so he can't go blind! YAY! But he wears that cone thingie, poor thing XD


	6. Petshop

**Ee**

"Bloody hell," Rick murmured as they exited the cinema "Great choice of film, Vyv!"

Vyvyan followed, arms full of food stolen from the already destroyed snack bar "I didn't know it was going to be so boring! I thought it might have kicked up a bit after the bunnies came to tea-"

"Yeah! At the end of the film!" Rick interrupted.

Neil, who was in front of the two bickering young adults (if they can be called that) turned around "What are you talking about, guys? The little bunnies never came home for tea. It wasn't even in the film!"

Vyvyan shuffled the weight in his arms "Well, you see, Neil, you may not have noticed but I kicked down the wall on the right side so I could watch a different film instead. It's actually quite ingenious, two films for the price of one!"

"But… We didn't pay."

Vyvyan looked puzzled for a second but shook his head "Anyways, it was a film about a group of bunnies having to go out into the wide world and give eggs to everyone. Even with Rick watching it, I was too bored to even try to smack him one…"

"So you're not talking about Mr. Fuzzy Bunny and The Amazing Fiddle-Finding Adventure?"

"No."

"But did you see it when Mr. Fuzzy Bunny started being eaten-alive by rabbits who then went into kung fu fighting with cyberfoxes from the planet Uranus and then they had to blow up the death star and-" Neil fell to the floor as Rick punched him in the face.

"Yes, yes! We saw that bit! God, must you repeat every single thing all the time? You stupid nagging hippie!" Rick yelled, changing his usual insult 'Stupid bloody hippie'

Neil stood and brushed dirt from his shirt "Oh, so I'm a stupid nagging hippie, now, am I?"

"Yeah!" Rick stuck his fingers up in his face "You're just like my mother!"

"What, the one who died?" Vyvyan mocked and started laughing as Rick began to have a tantrum and jumping up and down.

"DON'T SAY THAT! DON'T SAY THAT! YOU BASTARDS! YOU BASTARDS! I HATE YOU, YOU BASTARDS! STUPID BASTARDS LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED AWAY INA PLACE FOR….uh…. for BASTARDS!" Rick screeched.

"Hmm, I think he's calling us bastards, Vyv." Neil noticed rather late. Vyvyan sighed in reply.

Rick slowed down and was in tears "Mummy! Mummy! Bloody rummy! I miss you so bad. Forever in my heart, you stupid old bag." He sniffed and ran a hand through his, making it rather more messy than it usually looked.

"Is everybody calm now?" Mike asked.

"Yes, Michael." Vyvyan and Rick replied glumly.

"Uh… Oh! Yeah, Mike." Neil added after being a bit slow and receiving looks.

"Right then. Look, it's Vyv's birthday-"

"Yes, so you keep saying!" Rick shouted with a sudden outburst.

"Hey! Don't interrupt me." Mike warned.

"Yeah, don't interrupt Mike, wimp." Vyvyan added.

"No jib from you either!" Mike continued "So, it's Vyv's birthday, he can what he wants. Even if it involves us, pain, violence, stupidity-"

"Money?" Vyvyan asked innocently.

Mike looked at him as if he had sprouted an extra leg "What you going on about? It may be your birthday but I'm not cashing out. Money is meant to be used on more important and worthwhile things."

Vyvyan nodded understandingly, not seemingly insulted.

"Anyway, Where to now?" Mike asked.

Vyvyan handed his armful of food to Neil, who later toppled over "Well, Michael, I'd like to kick Rick's head in and then rip out his innards and-"

"Enough!" Mike shouted. He then looked down the street for a brief second "The petshop's the closest. I don't know why you want to go there but, since it's only around the corner, let's go."

"I suppose you lot are going to ignore me as usual. Seeing how you don't think I'm very important and I don't deserve a birthday-"

"SHUT UP NEIL!" Rick shouted in his face.

"Oh yeah, shout at me!" Neil yelled back, half-heartedly "Just because I'm a hippie-" he continued.

"Neil, it's because you are you, end of story!" Mike silenced everyone.

Vyvyan sighed "I didn't even get into that argument…"

"Look, we are all cold and freezing let's just get down to the petshop so we can get this day over with!" Rick suggested while yelling at the same time.

Nobody replied. They just nodded and started walking down towards the small looking petshop.

When they entered, they were surprised at how big it really was. Birds were in large cages alongside the entrance and more towards the back. Fishtanks were built in such a way that they sat atop each other quite like aisles in a supermarket and stretched to the other end of the shop. On the right side, behind the birdcages, was a large transparent plastic pane that covered a large portion of the shop. In there were cages that held dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils and mice. A few birds were free of their cages and flew around independently, not making a break for the door as the four students walked in. A parrot landed on a swinging perch beside Vyvyan's head and squawked loudly.

"Polly want crack!" It cried.

Vyvyan frowned "Crack? Don't you mean cracker?"

It squawked again "No, I mean crack!"

Vyvyan shook his head "Try Ajax, it's a lot better."

"Really? Sure I will. Thanks for the info spotty boy."

"Hey! I'm not spotty! It's Rick, you can see mount fugi from here!"

The parrot laughed and the two continued talking casually.

"You have any pets?" it asked.

"I did, a hamster called S.P.G but he died not too long ago." Vyvyan replied a little solemnly.

"Aw, I'm sorry for your loss."

"Hey! Look, Mike! Vyvyan's found someone of his own intelligence to talk with!" rick bellowed proud he had thought up something witty. Mike didn't turn around "Uh… Mike?" Rick tapped him on the shoulder. He still didn't turn "Did you hear what I said? The smart witty comment about Vyvyan and that parrot? Hello? Hello?" he growled loudly "Oh lordy lordy! It's like trying to communicate with… Something really difficult to communicate with…" Rick shook his head "MIKE!"

"What?" Mike turned around.

Rick jumped from Mike's loudness "Uh… Did you hear what I said about Vyv and the parrot?"

"No, he's not getting a parrot."

"No! I mean did you hear the witty smart comment I made about it?"

"I told you, no more lip. If you're going to comment on something at least make it suttle and not tell me!"

Rick rubbed his temples "Okay, look, just forget it. I hate getting into these conversations with you, Mike, there is just no winning."

"Finally you realize something that's been so blaringly obvious."

Neil was over looking at the tortoises and handling one, talking to it. Probably boring it to death "You're like me, I guess. Slow, but always hard-working. People ignore you because you seem so small when really you are one of the smartest things ever met. And there aren't many like us, is there? Only a few million worldwide-"

"Get up Neil! Stop trying to kill that tortoise!" Rick shouted.

"I'm not killing it…" He looked back at it. Yep, it was dead "Oh," he put it back and scratched his head "It was moving before." He shrugged and started talking to another unfortunate victim.

Mike wondered into the plastic paned room and looked at the animals inside. Suddenly, a large male Doberman trotted around the corner from a small storage cuboard. Mike walked up to it and started stroking it "You're a gorgeous fella, aren't you? Too bad you aren't as good-looking as me. I bet all the lady dogs are after you. Oh wait," Mike corrected himself "They're after me. Sorry mate, I don't think there's a girl left for you. I think you'd better go cat-wise."

So, while Vyvyan was with a parrot, Neil with tortoises, Mike with a dog, where was Rick to go? He looked to the cats but they hissed at him and tried clawing at him. He turned to the dogs; they barked and growled, to the birds, they dropped on the bottom of their cages, playing-dead. Then, he turned to the rodents.

Rabbits weren't for him. Neither were mice, gerbils or hamsters. Ferrets squirmed away from him and then he saw the Guinea Pigs. Most ran away but one, a beautifully toffee, chocolate and coconut coloured female Guinea Pig stayed and looked up into his eyes. Rick bent down and picked her up. She was so soft and her fur was so fine.

"Hey, guys," Rick called. Vyvyan came forward, one of his stars on his forehead missing where a little hole was now with blood trickling down his face, his nose ring was missing, his clothes had been torn badly, one sleeve hanging by a thread and claw marks all over his left arm. Neil approached next, his right index finger red and throbbing and dark tortoise poo stains down his shirt. Mike came next, clothes ripped in shreds, hair completely messed up though not as bad as Rick's and deep teeth marks in his arm. Clearing his throat, dismissing the state of his fellow students and cradled the guinea pig in his arms "I think I've found someone. The one for me." The guinea pig's blue and black eyes blinked and she rose on her back legs, wiping her faces with her paws.

Vyvyan, Mike and Neil looked at each other and counted simultaneously though Vyvyan was in the double-digits "3……….2………….1……."

"Huh?" Rick inquired but his curiosity fled when he felt the warm trickle of guinea pig pee trickle up his shirtsleeves, down his chest and all over his hands. There was a lot of it too "EGUH!" he yelled. He, despite being covered in pee, put the guinea pig back down in her cage along with her friends gently. She seemed to smirk as she trotted off in a funny way into a little hut where the rest of the rodents resided.

Rick pulled at his shirt "That's disgusting!"

"Yeah but funny!" Vyvyan laughed but then wincing and clutching his forehead.

"Come on," Mike said with some difficulty "I said we'd have Vyvyan's birthday, despite pain. Let's stay true to our word."

Vyvyan sighed "It's been great so far! The pain has been a brilliant added bonus!"

Neil moaned "Look, guys, I'm covered in tortoise feces and I'd rather not be so can we just, like, y'know, go home to clean up?"

Rick's eyes widened and he pointed to him self, his peed-covered self "Oh my heart bleeds!"

"That's a good idea, Neil. Wow, twice in one lifetime." Mike said as he made his way to the door in an awkward manner.

"What do you mean _twice _in one lifetime?" Neil questioned.

The four students limped, lumbered and shuffled onto the street and started to walk painfully up hill.

"Remember that time you said we should watch TV?" Rick asked Neil, answering for Mike.

"Yeah."

"Well it was a really good idea!" Rick said being honest. The unbelievable had happened and it was so unbearable Neil was actually quiet for the rest of the way, thinking over what was said and how it was possible to receive a compliment from Rick.

Sorry again for lateness. --" it's so annoying, I'm sorry. The guinea pig in this was called Toffee. Her full-name is Toffe Choclate Coconut cake because of her colours and it was all in one. I decided there should be some fun-loving way to remember her. She passed away while I was on holiday and I found out a month and a bit ago. I'm still very sad but she wouldn't want that so I try and remain hyper and happy.


	7. Fishing

**Fishing**

"Are we really going to go fishing?" Neil asked while carrying all the equipment, rods, bait, nets, chairs etc. and almost buckling under it all.

"Me and my dad used to always go fishing here," Rick interrupted happily "Though we never caught anything." He laughed and snorted "But it was great fun. Just me, my dad-"

"And that nudy camp you stared at to pass the time." Vyvyan added.

Rick nodded "Yes, and that nudy camp I stared at to… Hey! There wasn't a nudy camp!"

Vyvyan laughed "Oh, yes there was!"

Rick muttered under his breath and then asked "Well how would you know?"

"Well I should know, I hid in your car and went with you."

"What's wrong with fishing, Neil?" Mike asked "I thought you'd like it, close to nature and all that other stuff."

"Not with fishing, Mike, because like, when you fish, you, like, counteract the balance of the beautiful harmony under the water surface, right, and that is like, totally heavy."

"Yeah, well too bad, we're fishing because I wants to, so there." Vyvyan sneered.

"Uh, Vyv,"

"What?"

"It's want without the 's'." Neil corrected.

"But I wants it to be with an 's'. So there!"

"But it isn't good grammar!" Rick added.

"I don't think yours is any better, Rick." Neil observed.

"Oh shut up Neil!"

"LOOK! ITS MY BIRTHDAY SO IF I WANT TO REWRITE GRAMMAR AND HAVE WANT WITH AN 'S', THEN I CAN HAVE WANT WITH AN 'S'!" Vyvyan shouted. As he did so birds from the trees above squawked and flew away followed by complete silence.

"Oh, that's it, Vyvyan, interrupt mother nature's wildlife harmony balance!" Neil moaned.

Vyvyan sighed and growled loudly "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MOTHER NATURE'S WILDLIFE HARMONY BALANCE! STOP MAKING THINGS UP! I'M GETTING REALLY BORED OF IT!"

"Yeah, Neil! Stop trying to flood our minds with things that aren't true! That's the job of all you hippies to try and take over the world! Stop filling our minds with all that nature garbage!" Rick yelled, backing Vyvyan up.

"Nature isn't garbage!" Neil protested.

"Guys!" Mike shouted "Calm down!" he straightened his jacket and leaned over to Vyvyan and whispered "So where's this nudy camp of yours, then?"

"Just over that hill with the huge tree." Vyvyan pointed ahead "Though I don't think it's going to be there after a decade."

Mike waved a finger "You never know."

The four sat above a wide river with the sun at it's peek in the sky. Vyvyan was right in his theory of the nudity camp not being there after a decade. It was a pensioner's nudity camp now and the four kept there backs to it and tried not to look. Vyvyan and Mike held fishing rods while Neil sat crossed legged, not joining in the "Interruption of nature's wildlife harmony balance" and Rick rummaged through he bait box, asking what each one was for even though nobody else knew what they for anyway. Who does know?

"So, what's this one for then?" Rick held one up with multiple hooks.

"Dunno." Vyvyan replied not even looking back.

"And this one?" He held one up with bright yellow stripes and a single hook.

"Dunno."

"What about this twisty one?" It was in a strange shape with feathers.

"Dunno."

"And this blue one?" It had five spots on it and a long, dangerous looking hook decorated with feathers.

"Dunno."

"This one's slippery…"

"That's a condom."

"AHHH!" Rick dived half way into the river washing it off and jumped around shaking and letting out grunts and screeches of disgust.

"How'd you know that Vyv?" Mike asked casually with Rick flailing around I the background.

"I know this place better then which way Rick's nose breaks when I punch him."

Mike nodded "You know this place pretty well then."

After calming down, grabbing a rod and putting a hook on it, Rick sat in between Neil and Mike "So, how do you cast it then?"

"Don't ask me." Neil replied.

"I wasn't asking you!"

"I know but I'm just saying it in advance."

"You really are weird aren't you? Really pathetically stupidly weird!"

"Not as much as you can be, Rick."

"What's that supposed to mean!?"

"It means you're weird." Mike answered.

Neil stood and walked over to the bag he was carrying not too long ago and started looking through it "I'll get lunch ready then." No body answered him.

"Hey! I think I got a fish!" Vyvyan jumped up and started pulling on his line.

"Great! Reel it in Vyv!" Mike said.

Rick tried to help but Vyvyan shoved him away "This is my fish so I don't wants no help!"

"Fine. I wasn't going to help you anyway!"

"Let it go, Vyvyan! Don't counteract nature's wildlife harmony balance!" Neil protested. Rick stuck his fingers up in his face and pulled faces at him. Mike watched Vyvyan fight the fish.

"Oh, sod it." Vyvyan mumbled and gave the line a hard tug and pulled it back past the tree. What rose out of the water was truly bizarre.

With a smallish head on an arced neck, the Lock Ness monster broke the surface, the hook from Vyvyan's line stuck in it's mouth.

Vyvyan kept pulling, though to no effect, not seeing the monster. Rick cowered behind Neil and Mike backed away "Vyv, stop pulling… Vyv. Vyv!. VYVYAN! STOP PULLING!" Rick screeched and threw a hook at Vyvyan which, unexpectedly, wedged into his head. Not noticing the pain, Vyvyan dropped the rod and walked over to Rick.

"What?" He asked, hands on hips. Rick pointed to the huge monster and Vyvyan stared in bewilderment "Bloody hell!"

Neil sighed "This is what you get when you interrupt nature's wildlife harmony balance…" He started gathering the lunch that had fallen everywhere when Rick and crashed into him earlier.

Vyvyan grinned "That's amazing!" He ran over to the monster and started pulling the line to try and "Catch" it.

The monster raised an eyebrow and lowered it's head "Do you mind? That is rather uncomfortable." It murmured in a high-class voice.

Vyvyan let go and scratched his head, still unaware of the huge hook protruding from his head "If you can talk… That means you're not a fish?"

It nodded "Please be so kind as to remove this hook from my mouth, if you would, dear boy." It opened it's mouth and the hook was caught in-between it's teeth.

Vyvyan looked to the others who gestured for him to get it over with. He shrugged and leaned inside. After fiddling about for a minute or so he removed the hook and threw it behind him. It landed in Rick's foot and he started screaming in pain.

"Much obliged." The monster nodded and slowly disappeared under the water.

Mike walked forward, camera in hand "We're going to get a lot of money with the footage I got." He smiled.

Not long after the incident, as attempt after attempt was made to catch fish all that was caught was a few rubber-johnnies and some copies of 'War And Peace' which wasn't a surprise.

"God I'm bored…" Vyvyan murmured. Neil was studying the books they had found in the river, seeing how useful they would be to start a fire back at their apartment. Mike had disappeared to 'Answer the Call of Nature' but had ran down to the photo place to get his pictures and video developed.

Rick had managed to bandage his foot after removing the hook. He fiddled with a rod and tried casting it but, unbeknown to him, it snagged on Neil's trousers "Hey, guys, I can't seem to cast it properly." He said, pulling and straining.

"Uh, Rick," Mike started "I think you should stop pulling."

Vyvyan, not noticing Neil holding onto a tree trunk to stop from being flung into the river, walked over to Rick and started pulling too.

They both breathed in deep and yanked it hard. Neil came forward, flying, nearly knocking Mike into the water and landed on the other side of the river and kept on rolling.

Vyvyan and Rick lurched forward and were dragged into the river, losing their grip on the rod. Vyvyan grabbed a protruding tree root and Rick attached himself to his leg.

"This is all your fault you stupid bastard!" Rick shouted up.

"Why do you blame me!? It's Neil's fault!" Vyvyan protested.

"Yeah, you're right!" Rick agreed.

Neil leaned over the bank.

Vyvyan looked up and smiled "Neil," he began holding up two fingers before his expression changed.

"YOU BASTARD!" Rick and Vyvyan yelled simultaneously before slipping and being swept away by the river.

Eventually, they stopped on a grassy bank. Rick struggled to his feet, sopping wet "When I get back I'm going to kill that stupid hippie!"

Vyvyan jumped up "That was fun! Let's do it again!" He began to run back up to where their ride had begun but stopped and stared… They were in the pensioner's nudity camp.

Rick covered his eyes "AHH! NAKED WRINKLY OLD PRUNES! I'M SCARED FOR LIFE! AHHHH!"

Naked old ladies and men started walking towards them, smiling that old person smile, inviting them down the limbo club for tea.

Vyvyan stayed completely still "Rick, they can sense fear, don't move!"

Rick started bubbling. And as they drew closer, he couldn't stand it and started running "I can't stand it anymore! IT BURNS!"

Vyvyan looked from Rick to the old people and gulped "Wait for me, Rick, you stupid bottom boil!" And he, also, fled from the nudy people.

Hehe, yay for lateness! Okay, Ive been having tons of HW and Im in the year where I have to choose my GCSE's so im under pressure… WAAH!


	8. Bowling

**Bowling**

After their narrow escape from the pensioner nudity camp, Rick and Vyvyan were clearly traumatized and scarred for life. However, this wasn't going to deter Vyvyan from enjoying his birthday.

"So… Many… Naked wrinkly shriveled people…" Rick's right eye twitched as he sat on the street pavement next to Vyvyan who rocked back and forth mumbling "My eyes… My eyes…"

Mike bent down "Now I know what you have been through. Old people nudity is a very scary thing."

Neil lay on the floor. Worn out from having to carry both Rick and Vyvyan up from the river bank a mile until they reached urban ground "Why couldn't you help carry them, Mike?" he mumbled, face flat on the floor.

Mike looked up for a second "Neil, don't be stupid." He returned his attention to the two quivering on the sidewalk "Now, Vyv, are we going to continue your birthday or should we call it off?"

Vyvyan shook his head and stumbled to his feet "Cancel my own birthday? No bloody way!"

Rick sniffed and put his head in his hands and started to sob until he received a kick.

"Stop wining you girl!" Vyvyan sneered.

Rick stood and glared at him "Oh, so I'm a girl now, am I?"

"Yeah."

"LET ME FINISH! So, I'm a girl? Well what about you, Mr. Hiding-under-the-picnic-blanket-shivering-like-a-baby-screaming-"The horror! The HORROR!"-for-an-hour…"

Vyvyan scratched his head "Well, I was obviously under more trauma than you…"

Rick snorted "Yeah, well I know trauma, matey! Every time you bend over to turn over the TV it's like the love zeppelin special on National Geographic!"

Vyvyan growled and pulled out his dagger and held it to Rick's throat "You saying I have a big bottom!?"

"Enough!" Mike yelled. Vyvyan dropped Rick and fiddled with his dagger "Now, what's the next horror that awaits us?"

Neil stood "Uh… I think it's bowling, Mike."

"Ah, great, something I'll enjoy."

"But there's one problem."

"What?"

"I'm allergic to the polish they put on bowling balls."

Mike frowned "Say what?"

"I'm allergic to bowling balls."

"That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard."

"It's not an excuse."

"What is it then?"

Neil looked down "I just can't stand being around bowling balls."

Vyvyan sighed "Well there's no problem about that, Neil." He pushed Neil the rest of the way to the bowling alley down the street "We can tie you outside!"

"A brilliant idea." Mike agreed.

"Well what are we going to tie him up with?" Rick asked?

Vyvyan grinned "We could use your intestines!" Rick started moving backwards.

"No, we'll improvise." Mike said and grabbed Neil's hair and tying it tightly around a post. He waved as he went inside followed by Rick and Vyvyan who just stuck their fingers up at him.

After a moment of silence Neil finally protested "Guys…" He called half-heartedly "I don't think I like this."

Rick's head popped out from the door "Well too bad! You're staying like that. And anyways, you always said you wanted to be part of nature."

"Being tied by my hair to a post is not being part of nature."

"Well dogs get tied to posts, don't they? So there you go!"

"This isn't what I had in mind…"

Rick laughed and snorted and joined up with Vyvyan and Mike at the shoe-counter thing "So, what do we do here?" He asked looking at all the shoes.

Vyvyan raised an eyebrow "We get bowling shoes, stupid!"

Rick's face turned to one of disgust "What!? My poor sensitive feet in those horrid, smelly, ruggish shoes!? Look! They all have holes in them! And… AH! There's a caterpillar in that one!"

"No, it's a centipede." Vyvyan corrected.

Mike, wearing his own shiny bowling shoes, handed Rick a pair. Rick was obviously not satisfied "Ugh! God, it's like they're alive! Rotten, filthy…"

"Oi! Who you calling rotten, spotty?" One of the shoes replied.

Rick blinked and shook his head and returned to examining the state they were in "Oh, come on guys!" He called after Vyvyan and Mike who were making their way towards the bowling lanes. He held up one shoe "It's being held together by bubblegum!"

"Stop complaining you wimp!" Vyvyan shouted back.

Mike tapped his watch "Come on, Rick, time is money!"

Sighing, Rick put on the slimy shoes and waddled over to the lanes.

"Okay," Mike said "Vyv, here's your ball," he handed Vyvyan a sparkly blue one quite heavy but Vyvyan didn't notice "And, Rick, here's yours." He gave Rick a dark green ball. Rick took it but fell forwards due to it's weight.

"Bloody hell!" He yelled "I can't even pick it up!"

Vyvyan laughed "Come on, Rick, no one's that weak. Stop being so bloody dramatic!" He bent down and picked it up in his other hand.

Rick stood and turned to Mike who was polishing his own personal white grey-streaked ball "Uh, Mike, you wouldn't have one a tad bit lighter, would you?"

Mike glanced at him and picked up a girly pink ball that weighed near nothing and handed it to him. Still, Rick had trouble holding it "Thanks." He mumbled and made his way to lane three.

"So, who's to start?" Mike asked, practicing a mimic swing with his arm.

"Well, I'll go first because it's my birthday and because it's my birthday." Vyvyan answered.

Rick frowned "But you just gave the same reason twice."

Vyvyan growled "So!? I changed want into want's', didn't I!?" He grabbed Rick's bowling ball and lifted it high "Want to make something of it!?"

"Uh… No." Rick stuttered, trying to pull his fingers from the bowling ball now right above his head. Vyvyan grunted, letting the ball drop, narrowly missing Rick's head.

"Right then, I'll go second." Mike stated. He turned to Rick who was just recovering from the floor "You'll be third."

Rick nodded "Yeah alright…" He said hesitantly.

Vyvyan held the ball near his face, preparing to bowl. He brought it back behind him slowly and ran forward, right down the lane, slipping on the floor.

"Is that how you bowl, Mike?" Rick asked.

Mike looked from Rick to Vyvyan and nodded "If you're Vyvyan."

Vyvyan, instead of releasing the ball at all, brought it crashing down in the middle of the pins, scattering them everywhere. He held his arms up in victory but realized the ball was stuck on his fingers. He started waving it about trying to get it off. Suddenly, the pin resetter thing came down and caught his ankle. He looked down and mumble dot himself "Bugger." And was slowly dragged through the bowling thing and the machine spat him back out across the lane. He slid all the way to Mike's feet on his stomach.

Mike looked own at him "Was that your shot?"

Vyvyan glanced up and nodded "Yeah." He stood and sat down on a rickety chair to get to the business of pulling the ball from his hand.

"Is that how you play bowling then?" Rick asked still confused.

Vyvyan sighed and ignored him.

Mike bowled a perfect strike and grabbed the ball as it came back "You're up Rick." He said as he stepped down from the lane.

Rick looked up at their lane screen. It showed a big "X" for strike "What does the X mean?" he asked.

"Oh shut up and just bowl!" Vyvyan yelled, kicking Rick up onto the platform.

Rick stood and started shaking. He swept his hair back (making it spazz even worse) and held the bowling ball as the others had before. He didn't really know what to do and just threw it over arm. It flew down the lane and into the pins, getting a strike. Only, he went half way with the ball. He slid to a halt in the middle of the lane. When he regained his bearings it was too late, Vyvyan was already starting to bowl.

Vyvyan ran at him, swinging the ball in circles dangerously. Rick sprung to his feet and ran in the opposite direction, both slipping and falling about the place stupidly. As he ran out of lane to run on he hopped onto the next one. Vyvyan landed a little too hard and slid on his side across three lanes in front of Rick and let go of the ball sending it flying towards Rick. It crashed into he ground just missing him and rolled over a few lanes into their own and knocked down the pins.

Mike gazed at them and pointed "A strike?" The X flashed on screen to prove it was.

Rick straightened his jacket and dusted himself down "Well naturally. Vyvyan needed a little help so I tried my own strategy."

"Yeah, running." Vyvyan mocked as he stepped carefully back to Mike.

Eventually, after many bowls like the past few, the three were thrown out and were banned from the bowling alley for… A long time.

"Well that's just great…" Mike mumbled "The only time I want to enjoy myself and get a chance too, you two mess it up."

"Hey guys, can you untie me now?" Neil asked.

"I'm sorry that Rick has been such a prat, Michael, but I can't help that." Vyvyan grumbled brushing off debris from his head on collision with the plaster wall while trying to run away from the security only turning the wrong way.

"Oh, blame me then. Thanks a lot; I just thought you were my friends, that's all." Rick moaned.

"Hello?" Neil waved his arms.

"Well you really are stupider than you look." Vyvyan snapped back.

"My head's beginning to really hurt now." Neil said again.

"No, it was both your fault." Mike said.

Vyvyan lowered his head, knowing Mike never really got angry at all "Sorry Michael." He murmured.

"I'd really like to be untied guys; this is going to leave huge knots in my hair." Neil nagged again.

"Yes, I apologize too, Mike." Rick added though more hesitantly.

"Guys?"

"Fine. As long as you two know why I'm angry, that's okay. Don't let it happen again." Mike nodded "Now come on, there's still time to fit in the carnival and pet cemetery but let's be quick about it, time is money."

"So you keep saying!" Rick growled "Maybe I don't want to celebrate this date. Maybe I want to go home!"

"I'm sorry but I really have to pee as well…" Neil piped up again.

"You can do that anytime, let's try and get out, at least four times a year…" Mike looked at Neil "Well, three at least."

"Hello?"

"So what are we waiting for!?" Vyvyan shouted enthusiastically "I WANT CANDY FLOSS!"

Mike nodded and started to walk up the pavement closely followed by Vyvyan and Rick.

"…Guys?" Neil murmured, still stuck to the post.

Yay! Another chapter! And so soon! Its because I have so many other stories I wanna write… Well, that's all folks!


	9. The Cemetery

**The Cemetery**

"Why on Earth would you want to come here?" Rick asked Vyvyan as the four entered the huge menacing gates of the pet cemetery. They had forgotten about Neil for a full half-hour until Rick realized there was no one to verbally abuse without the risk of injury.

"I've told you, are you deaf!?" Vyvyan shouted down Rick's ear.

"I think I very well will be soon if you keep shouting like that!" he yelled back.

"Guys! This is a quiet place, so like, keep the peace, right?" Neil protested.

Mike laughed "What's gonna happen?"

"Because, right, if we, like, interrupt the peaceful balance of animal spirits, yeah, then that'd be like totally heavy, because we'd get into trouble…"

Rick snorted "Oh, and how will that happen then? An angry ghost will come at me with a crowbar, will it?" he looked around and shrugged "I don't see any ghosts wielding crowbars, or any ghosts for that matter! So stop being so hippie-like and suspicious and get a grip on reality."

"But I am a hippie."

"What? Oh, yes right. Well, whatever!" Rick dismissed him by sticking up his fingers, taking a puff on his cigarette and walking away from where they had gathered. Suddenly, he disappeared down a hole and started screaming "AAAHHH! IT'S GOT ME! THE EVIL GHOSTS WEILDING CROWBARS AND WANTING TO KILL ME HAVE GOT ME! HELP! MIKE! VYVYAN! NEIL! HELP ME!"

Vyvyan peered down in the grave Rick had fallen in. He lifted his arm in front of Neil and said "Shovel, please, Neil. Let's put him out of our misery."

"No."

"What?"

"I said no."

Vyvyan laughed "Neil, are you saying no to your superior?"

Neil frowned "Your not my superior!"

"Whatever."

"And yes I'm saying no."

"Why?"

"Because I'm sick and tired of being bullied about all the time. It's really heavy and I don't think it's fair to dump all the workload on me-"

"I'll dump more than just the workload if you don't shut up and get me that shovel!"

Neil mumbled and shuffled away to get the shovel.

"Vyvyan, what are you up to now?" Mike asked. He looked down at Rick in the hole.

"He's going to bury me, Mike!" Rick shouted up.

Mike looked back to Vyvyan "Alright then, carry on." And began to walk down the far end of the cemetery.

Vyvyan nodded and started kicking dirt into the hole since Neil was slow with getting the shovel.

"Hang on, hang on." Mike came back "Look, burying him is going to take a while and we don't have all day."

"Um… Afternoon, Mike." Neil corrected.

"What? Oh, yeah. Anyway, let's just do what we came for so we can get this day behind us."

Vyvyan mumbled and sighed "Fine. You never let me have any fun…"

"You've had plenty. It's not everyday we go out of our way to actually put a little effort into someone's birthday. Now don't be so ungrateful."

"Sorry Mike."

"Now, what did we come here for? To see S.P.G. Am I right?"

Rick by this time had scrambled out of the hole "Well you'd have to be right, Mike, you just answered your own question." He observed.

"Oh, Rick it was a rhetorical one!" Mike clearly found it hard to believe the lack of brains Rick seemed to show "Even Vyvyan knows what a rhetorical question is!"

Vyvyan grinned "Yeah! Even I know what a rhetorical question is!"

Rick sighed and mumbled under his breath "Too bad you don't know what an insult is."

"What?" Vyvyan snapped.

"Oh, nothing."

"Now where's S.P.G's headstone, Vyv?" Neil asked, looking among the rows.

"Over here. I made it myself." He replied.

The others came over to a small, oddly shaped triangular rock in the ground that said :

………_S.P.G………_

………_1938-19116………_

_Ded, Wat mor du yu wants?_

"Aw, how thoughtful Vyv." Neil smiled.

Vyvyan grinned "Yeah, I know."

"It's a bit tatty, isn't it?" Rick noticed.

"Well, duh. It's a headstone."

"I see you kept your bad grammar and spelling." Mike said, wiping his glasses on his handkerchief.

"He would've loved it." Vyvyan smiled.

After standing for quite some time in silence, a long silence, Rick wondered off to read the rest of the headstones because he was one of those seedy little bastards who liked reading others' misfortunes.

The first one he came to said "Little doggy called Greg. So much loved his bed. Snoring but didn't get up. So here he was lovingly dumped."

The second "You're standing on my head."

Third "Crikey! It's darker in here than I thought."

Fourth "Can we swap?"

Fifth "Johnny the duck. Was full of luck. Until one day. He was beaten to a pulp be a truck and mistaken for tofu so what remains of him are buried here, today."

Sixth "Jack, loving dog -Note to self, never talk to a bitch when she's pissed."

Seventh "Listened to headphones, often to the Ramones, his brother turned up the sound, now this animal is deathbound."

Eight "Cat caught a duckie. Cat was unlucky. Cat trespassed on a farm. Cat knows that farmers do harm. Cat was swung above his head. Until the G's were too much, Cat was then dead."

"Rick! Come on! We're leaving now!" Mike called.

Rick jumped up, startled "C-coming, Michael."

Later on the four walked along the fence where the carnival was behind it. Vyvyan and Rick jumped up and down yelling "CARNIVAL! CARNIAVAL!" while Neil held an ice-pack to his head and Mike hid his money in his pockets and tightened them and prepared a plan to get in for free.

Wow! Two chapters under twenty-four hours! D


	10. Carnival

**Carnival**

"How are we going to get in, Mike? We have no money." Neil asked.

Mike sighed "It's free for students, Neil!"

"But we don't go to college."

"Ssh! I know but we don't want the security to fond that out!"

"Are you saying we're going to lie about being students to get into the carnival for free?"

"Lie is such a strong word, think of it as a white lie."

"You'd better keep your mouth shut, hippie, or I'll kill you." Vyvyan stated.

"Fair enough." Neil sighed.

After weaseling past the security lying, uh, "white" lying about being students, the four gathered near the ice cream kiosk. Rick insisted on stealing some ice cream and sneaked behind the ice cream man, grabbing a few tubs and sneaking back out again.

"Okay, for Mike the triple world class chocolate." He handed Mike his tub "For Neil the vegetarian carrot and pea mix." He gave Neil his "And Vyvyan the newest brain blower crunch lethal concoction." Vyvyan snatched his and was about to rip the lid off when Rick garbbed it back "No, Vyvyan, we can't have our ice cream now." He took the rest from the others "It'll all melt! We have to keep it somewhere cold."

Vyvyan thought for a second "What about the ice cream kiosk?"

Rick sighed seemingly sarcastic "That is brilliant!" he ran behind the ice cream man once more and put the tubs back.

Mike scratched his head "Why did you steal them before if you were going to put them back?"

Rick smiled "Because I can."

Mike nodded "A good argument. Anyway, come on guys, we'll split off, Vyvyan, you come with me, Rick you go with it, I mean, Neil."

Rick yelped "What!? I'm not going off with Neil! I'm too attractive! It's always the good-looking guys who die first in Scooby-Doo!"

Neil frowned "But nobody has ever died in Scooby-Doo, Rick."

"Yes, well, in the sequel: Scooby Goes Homicidal Maniac and Kills Good-Looking Men." He sighed "That's why they dropped Fred after the sequel's first episode, he was the best looking and Scooby killed him!"

"Alright, stop your wining, we'll stick together." Mike said reluctantly.

"Oh, not with this bogie-bum!" Vyvyan pointed accusingly at Rick.

"Hey, just because when Neil was sick he used my underpants as a handkerchief-"

"Shut up! It's always the same with you! Nag nag nag! Just like my mum!" Vyvyan interrupted.

Rick gasped "I am nothing like that old slag!"

"Come on. The sooner you both shut up the sooner we can have some fun!" Mike then added "Though I use the term 'fun' lightly."

"Fine. Since it's my birthday I get to choose what we go on! So there!" he stuck his tongue out at Rick who then twisted it but received a punch in his temple causing him to stumble backwards "I wants to go on the rollercoasters first!"

"Alright then. Let's go." Mike led the way to the first rollercoaster The GutGusher.

The cars were bright red spattered with yellow paint and there was four to one car conveniently. Vyvyan fought with Rick to get into the front seat but Mike decided the two would sit together in the front. Neil clambered into the back and just as the ride was about to start, Mike hopped off to save himself and have a bit of a puff on a cigarette.

With a lurch, the rollercoaster jolted forwards and began a steep ascent.

Rick fiddled about with his seat "There's no seatbelts!" He cried.

"No, you're meant to hold onto the metal bar, stupid!" Vyvyan replied.

Rick looked around "Well I would if there was one!"

Vyvyan frowned and then grinned "Great!"

"I don't think this is quite safe, guys." Neil muttered stating the obvious.

As they reached the top, Vyvyan stood, not holding onto anything and peered around. Seeing Mike down below he waved but then stopped "Wait, isn't Mike supposed to be up here?"

Rick pulled Vyvyan down "Sit down, Vyvyan! You might get yourself killed!"

"And you would care?" Vyvyan asked surprised.

"Yeah, would you care?" Neil asked too, equally surprised.

"Well, yes, of course. Wouldn't you care if I was in the danger of killing myself?" Rick answered slightly taken back by their surprise.

Vyvyan and Neil looked at each other "No."

Rick's eyes widened and then he shifted to the corner of the car "Oh, okay then."

Suddenly the car dropped down the other side of the steep hill it climbed, crushing the three into their seats. Rick screeched as they went plummeting down, Neil did his usual "Oh wow!" and Vyvyan, well, he wooted all the way.

The coaster turn abruptly to the right, jolting the three into the sides of the car, Rick banged his head and cried out loudly. Vyvyan held up his arms as the G's increased and they dove into a hole causing them to almost fly out of their seats. It flew upwards at gut crushing speed and down again. It repeated this maneuver five times in the dark of the tunnel they were in. Then it slowed and they came into a dimly lit dome like room, still underground. They were at the top and saw the track cascade down in circles all the way to the bottom and then turn and bolt up, right through the middle of the circles. Slowly the rollercoaster accelerated.

"Oh, God! Get me off of this!" Rick cried.

Vyvyan jumped up and down on his seat "FASTER!"

"No! Slower!" Neil moaned.

They accelerated all the way down the circles getting faster and faster, their innards sloshing about, side-to-side and then down almost popping out even, as the coaster jerked upwards through the circles they had just whizzed down on. The coaster pierced through the small hole and they were back outside again. It curved quickly until they were horizontal. It slowed quickly and halted back at the start.

"I think I have to go to the lavvy!" Rick dived out of the car and ran towards the toilets. Vyvyan hopped out watching him flail about as he struggled to open a lavvy door only to be punched and beaten up by a huge thug-like guy who was in the toilet. Neil crawled out and mumbled "oh wow…" over and over again.

"So, you enjoyed it then?" Mike asked smiling as the three recovered and gathered back together.

Rick's left eye was squint and his arms crossed over in pain "Never… Again." He sputtered.

"What's that the fat multi-coloured pygmies say?" Vyvyan asked Mike.

"Uh, you mean the Teletubbies?"

"Yeah! Like what the Teletubbies say before they brainwash little kiddies' minds, AGAIN! AGAIN, AGAIN!"

"Well, you're easily amused aren't you, Vyv?" Mike turned to Neil "What about you Neil?"

Neil looked at his stomach and poked it "Well, my guts have been gushed that's for sure."

Mike waved his hand in front of his face "Thought so."

"Okay, let's go on the next one! The Ripper!" Vyvyan ordered already charging off towards it.

The three sighed and followed.

The Ripper, also known as Whiplash, was a larger, more outdoor ride, and people came out pale holding their necks and shivering. Again, Vyvyan threw himself into the first seat. It was individual seating this time but still four per car. There was a strong metal bar that came down quite abruptly causing Rick to cough and wheeze. Vyvyan turned to Rick who was in the car behind and made a smart remark on how much fatter he was than himself. Rick growled and tried grabbing for him but his movement was restricted due to the bar. Mike sat at the back wishing he had gotten himself out of this ride too. Neil on the other hand leaned on the side of his seat and waited for the inevitably lethal ride to start.

"This is meant to be the meanest ride in the whole of London!" Vyvyan called behind to unnerve his fellow students even more.

A buzz sounded and the ride shot off in a straight line with great power and surprised the four so much they fought to keep there lunch down. It suddenly corkscrewed fifteen times, the speed increasing all the time, barreled left, and right weaving in between other rides. As it did this Rick Neil and Mike gripped their necks for the pain was… well, painful. Vyvyan, on the other hand, couldn't move his arms to do so because the ride's speed was too much. It suddenly bolted vertically swerving madly. It stopped, jolting the four forward harshly. Vyvyan gripped his stomach and swallowed while Neil and Mike clutched their heads in agony from the pain of being whipped around in the back. Rick leaned back trying to gasp for air, winded from the sudden stop. Just as they started to recover the ride dropped, literally dropped causing their hearts to slam into their throats and their stomachs to do various acrobatics. Defying gravity, only kept down by the bar, they tried pulling themselves back into their seats to no avail until the car slowed gradually making the metal bar dig into their abdomen's (Mike's chest since he's short) and they halted still dangling vertically, looking into blackness.

"I don't like this ride…" Rick murmured after a minute of silence and stillness in a whiny voice.

Vyvyan managed to turn as pale as the rest of them "Wh-what are y-you so… Wimpy a-ab-about? It's great!" He coughed although his stomach would protest.

"I feel like I'm going to need a change of underwear…" Mike mumbled.

"I already need one." Neil coughed.

Vyvyan's head pounded worse than the time he had that hang over from drinking industrial strength floor cleaner with bleach and marmalade. His vision was blurred and he could barely make out if they were moving or not "The ride's slowed down an awful lot, hasn't it?"

"It's not even moving!" Rick spluttered concerned of why they were not going anywhere.

Suddenly, the light from the Ferris wheel that was visible from above them but only by a little, shut off and the music stopped.

Vyvyan turned his attention from watching the carnival switch off back to the nothingness he saw in front of him "Oh bugger."

The ride jerked forward and slowly wheeled down until it was horizontal again but kept moving, jumping now and then at the kinks in the track. Without warning it charged forward and up so the silhouette of the closed carnival rides were visible but as they neared the top the speed didn't decrease and it rounded sharply cracking the vertebrae in the four's spines. The carnival lights flashed on again and the music started up once more. The ride whipped around a tight corner and dipped down, gravity and the G's crushing down and headed towards a series of loops, ten of them.

"BLOODY HELL!" Rick's shout trailed along with him as they started the first loop. It was quick and so was the next three but on the fifth it was extended into an oval like shape and bent so the loops after it where sitting next to each other side by side. No sign of the end yet. The gravity pulling out of their seats almost and the constant stop start of the car jolted them around. Headaches, gutaches, painful joints and, in Rick's case diarrhea were all flared by the recklessness of the unmerciful ride. Dipping a last quick dip and a slow rise back to where they started, the car finally stopped.

Vyvyan and Rick used each other to balance and their legs kept spazzing out while Mike crawled across the floor sneaking a few lucky glances up girl's skirts, receiving a kick at one point, and followed them as best he could as he kept stumbling from dizziness. Neil walked normally, apparently not feeling the effect of the ride. The four gathered near the candyfloss kiosk only none of them, not even Vyvyan felt like having a sweet treat at that moment.

"That was…" Mike started "Different." He managed to stand. Everyone looked at Neil who seemed perfectly fine "Why aren't you over your heels in an insane dizzy delusion?" Mike asked.

It was then Neil feel forward flat on his face, just then feeling the effects of the ride.

Rick snorted but winced and clutched his stomach "Talk about being slow!"

Mike dismissed Neil's strange behavior and turned to Vyvyan "Now Vyv, I know you're raring to go on more rides but-"

"Actually, Michael," Vyvyan corrected in a rather civilized voice "I don't think I really want to go on any other rides for a while…"

"Oh, that makes a change. Are you feeling okay?" Mike felt his forehead.

Neil stood and glared at Rick "I'm not slow!"

Sighing Rick gave the two-fingered gesture yet again.

"Fine, are we calling it a day then?" Mike asked, starting to walk in the direction of the exit.

Vyvyan nodded, hesitantly at first "Yeah. I guess so."

They passed the ice cream kiosk and Neil remembered earlier about the taking of ice cream "Hey, I thought we wanted ice cream?"

The turned and glared at him and then, they all ran off to the toilets to relieve their throbbing stomachs.

Yay! Another so soon!


	11. Cue The Music!

**Cue the music!**

The students arrived home quite relived but all feeling much better after their experience with the meanest rollercoaster in London. Mike sat down heavily on the sofa ruffling out the pages of the paper he found behind one of the cushions. Neil grabbed a packet of lentil crisps and vacated to his room, Rick sat on the kitchen counter rethinking the day and Vyvyan grabbed a fork and started stabbing the table.

Rick sneered at Vyvyan "What are doing, Vyvyan, apart from being the spazmo you are?" It felt good to him to get some verbal abuse going.

Vyvyan looked up from his work and pointed the fork at Rick menacingly "Shut up, wimp." And then continued stabbing the table mercilessly.

"You're so easily amused you pathetic waste of air."

Vyvyan raised an eyebrow at the weak remark and shook his head "At least I'm not a virgin."

Rick glared at him "I am NOT a virgin! You have not proof."

"Is that a bet?" Vyvyan sat back in his chair, amused.

"No I'm saying there is not proof that I'm a virgin."

"Really?" Vyvyan stood "You wear dresses, you are obsessed with wanting to find out what a girl even really looks like, you don't know what a sperm is, you don't know the difference between making out and sex-"

Rick giggled stupidly interrupting Vyvyan "You said S-E-X!"

Vyvyan sighed "And you laugh at the mention of sex and-"

"ALRIGHT!" Rick yelled "You've proved your point."

"I have?" Vyvyan was surprised. He wanted to start a fight but with Rick agreeing with him, it was difficult to find something to fight about. He even had a band ready to cue the music when the fight would start… "Hmm… Mike?" he called behind him.

"Yeah?"

"What's a good thing to fight about?"

Mike put down his paper to think "Uh… Destruction of property?"

"Oh, thanks." Vyvyan said and then turned back to Rick and grinned "Well, Rick, last week I burned all your O level work and college stuff, and all your money! Well, not really, I stole it but I burned everything else anyway."

Rick gasped and shook with fury "YOU-"

"Bastard? Yeah I know." Vyvyan laughed.

Rick growled and made for the stairs. Vyvyan started to chase him but turned to the band that suddenly arrived in the kitchen and shouted "CUE THE MUSIC!"

"JA!" the band shouted simultaneously. It was the phenomenal industrial German band, Rammstein!

The soft tune on the keyboard started but then all the instruments joined in a bang labeling the start of the song. Vyvyan charged up the stairs after Rick grabbing a baseball bat.

Getadelt wird wer Schmerzen kennt  
vom Feuer das die Haut verbrennt  
Ich werf ein Licht

Vyvyan crashed down Rick's bedroom door and swung his bat blindly through the dust that the collapsed door kicked up.

in mein Gesicht  
Ein heißer Schrei  
Feuer frei!

Rick ducked under the bat "HA MISSED ME!" but Vyvyan hit him directly on his forehead. He then threw him out into the corridor.

Bang Bang  
Bang Bang

With the bang of the lyrics to the music, Vyvyan whacked Rick repeatedly until he grabbed the bat and tried holding away from his head. Rick managed to slip away from Vyvyan's swinging range, backed back into his bedroom and grabbed a stapler from his desk.

Geadelt ist wer Schmerzen kennt  
vom Feuer das in Lust verbrennt  
ein Funkenstoß

Rick grabbed Vyvyan's hand and stapled it to the wall. Vyvyan yelped in pain and Rick jumped stupidly out of swinging distance "Ha! Get me now, you stupid git!" Vyvyan tried swinging at him but he was always just out of his reach.

in ihren Schoß  
ein heißer Schrei  
Feuer frei!

Vyvyan pried his hand off the wall and ran after Rick who was already down the stairs. Neil lumbered out and called after them "Hey, is there a band tonight?"

Bang Bang, Bang Bang  
Feuer frei!

Bang Bang, Bang Bang  
Feuer frei!

Rick ran through the kitchen sticking his tongue at Vyvyan but not looking where he was going and ran into the door sliding down onto the floor. Vyvyan looked at his bat shrugged, threw it away and grabbed a poker.

Gefährlich ist wer Schmerzen kennt  
vom Feuer das den Geist verbrennt  
Bang Bang

Rolling out of the way just in time, Rick dodged the poker, which Vyvyan had thrown. Grunting in frustration Vyvyan threw a few more. Rick cried out and ran around the room away from them all. One speared Mike's paper but he simply threw it behind him and continued reading.

gefährlich das gebrannte Kind,  
mit Feuer das vom Leben trennt  
ein heißer Schrei  
Bang Bang  
Feuer frei!

Rick ran outside where, unknown to Vyvyan who came running after him, picked up a hosepipe full of pressure. Vyvyan stumbled outside and was blasted by the water and flown back into the lounge's far wall causing it to shake.

Dein Glück  
ist nicht mein Glück  
ist mein Unglück

From out of nowhere, Vyvyan pulled out a rocket launcher "Eat this, Pissface!" he cried as he launched it. Rick screamed and ducked and the rocket whistled away into the sky.

_Meanwhile in America-The White House-_

_George Bush: God Bless me, I mean, America. What's that funny looking missile shaped object that's heading towards me at blinding speed?_

_BOOOM!!!_

Bang Bang, Bang Bang  
Feuer frei!

Neil entered the room "Vyvyan! No explosive weapons. Little kid's are reading this fanfic!"

Vyvyan sighed and threw away the rocket launcher "Yeah, sorry Neil."

Rick seized this opportunity and started punching Vyvyan in the stomach. Hardly feeling this at all Vyvyan gave him one punch and Rick was sent stumbling backwards. Just as he regained his balance he trip over one of the band's thick wires, unplugging the whole system.

Feuer fr-

The band looked accusingly at Rick. Till Lindemann, lead singer, giant of a man, walked right up to him "Vas did you do?" he asked in his low grumbly voice. The other members gathered behind him, cracking their knuckles. One, Richard, threw down his guitar and walked right up to him.

"Uh… I'm sorry gents, I really didn't mean to do anything!" Rick stuttered.

"Nein, don't you lie. Ve are going to beat you up." Richard said rather casually. The rest murmured and nodded in agreement.

Rick laughed nervously and snorted receiving raised eyebrows in response "There's no reason to get violent…" he shook his head and pointed to Vyvyan "It's his fault! He punched me! All of you, beat him up!"

They turned for a second but then focused back on Rick.

"Ve are being paid by Vyvyan to be here, ja? So vhy would ve beat him up?" Till asked in a rather rhetorical way.

"Well-" Rick started.

Till's booming voice interrupted "He also paid us to beat you up after ve'd finished the song." He pulled up his shirt sleeves ready to begin pummeling.

Rick whinnied loudly and then screeched at Vyvyan "VYVYAN! YOU BASTARD!"

As Rick was being pummeled by the Germans Neil walked up to Vyvyan "Vyv, I think it was really uncool to hire a German band to sing and beat up Rick."

Vyvyan frowned "Why's that, Neil?"

"Well I was upstairs, wasn't I? I could've missed it!"

Vyvyan nodded "Yeah, sorry 'bout that Neil."

I had to include my fav. Band of all time, Rammstein! and then at least mention two of the members names (Till Lindemann and Richard Kruspe Bernstein) because im a hopless fangirl over them. I know that Rammstein wouldn't have been around in the 80's but come on! In The Young Ones, anything can happen! There you have it, another fanfic comes to a close, thank you, and good night!


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